Rick gets a little annoyed with me for all the professional (and candid) photos I have taken and take of our family. He’s not sure it’s really “necessary.” He and I definitely have different opinions about pictures. For many years, I felt the sting of loneliness as I saw all the beautiful photo cards of my friends and family with their families every Christmas. I cherished the cards, the sweet letters that updated me on the lives of ones I didn’t get to interact with regularly, and I looked forward to the day I would have my own to share. Rick looked at the photo cards, thought “cool”, and went on his merry way. Men!
When I look at this recent photo, I’m not sure I could be any more blessed. Less than five years ago, I was single. I had hope that life with Rick would lead to joy and arms that were full of love, but I also had a lot of fear. Had we waited too long to marry, to attempt to have a family? Would we have fertility problems? Could I be happy in a rural farming community? What would family life look like for me?
God had given me a few promises to cling to, though. I tried to pray for a job, for a ministry position that would allow me to use the degree I’d earned, but as I prayed only one prayer came to my lips. I earnestly sought God for a husband, children, and a home of my own. In those times of intense seeking, I believe He gave me specific promises from His word to hang onto. One was that I would no longer be barren, but fruitful (Isaiah 54). Another was that my latter years would be greater than the former years (Haggai 2:9). That one may sound kind of odd, but there were days when despair tried to overwhelm me and I wondered if life would ever be more than a series of disappointments, constantly overlapping one another.
As I look at this photo, some much comes into perspective. Rick is a godly, loving husband who pours out his life for me and our children. I wondered if it would be possible for us to have one child, and now we’re expecting a third healthy baby. We have a beautiful home. We are healthy. Our parents are healthy, supportive, still married to one another, and in love with our children. I’m able to stay at home with our children.
Nothing is ever perfect, so please don’t read this list and compare your struggles to my blessing list. There are things that I still wish for with all my heart, desires that may never come to be. There are disappointments to face as we work out our new normal and come to terms with the reality of raising children and living out our lives in a community. But if I’ve learned anything in my 41 years, it’s that no matter what blessings we receive, struggles come hand in hand with them. There are problems at every level of success. Some are much better problems to have, for sure! But problems, nonetheless.
In pictures, we are well-groomed, smiling, wearing outfits that took time to coordinate, and showing our best selves. I feel there is a place for that. We need to see how good it is, how good it was. We need to remember with sweetness the good times. Who takes pictures of the bad times? Who wants to remember the frustration and sadness?
While I was visiting my sister recently, we went shopping with our mom, who treated us to Starbucks. I was overjoyed. She mentioned getting us Starbucks inside Target, but I put a stop to that. Oh no. I wanted a real Starbucks. I wanted to sit in comfy chairs and drink my fancy coffee and talk to my mom and sister with no children running around our feet and demanding attention.
As we stood in line and I absorbed the delicious smells, the comforting feeling the place gives me, I had to laugh. The closest “real” Starbucks to me on the farm is about 40 minutes away, so it’s a special treat to go to one when I get the chance. But what wonderful memories does it bring back to me? Memories of sitting with dear friends, typically single, drinking delicious concoctions that didn’t involve alcohol, and dreaming aloud together about the day when we’d be married and have children. We’d try to solve the problem of the latest guy we were dating, or wanted to date, or wanted to leave us alone. We’d laugh at our own drama. We’d remember past relationships, or dream up new ones. And here I stood in line, tried to soak it all in, and realized that I had what I had so longed for in those days.
I can still spend hours in a coffee shop with a friend, discussing life’s current challenges, dreaming about the future, and making new memories – no problem at all! For me, there’s a comfort in a warm, homey space that welcomes you to sit and relax with no agenda other than connecting with others. But oh how the topic of conversation has changed…
I knew this was the life I wanted, and I was not wrong. I didn’t slap a promise from the Bible on my problems, demanding that God change my reality to better fit my plans. I earnestly sought God with my whole heart, responded to His invitation to have a relationship with Him, and allowed the Word to speak to my heart. My relationship with God is the best investment I’ve ever made. As a result of trusting that God knew what was best for me more than I ever could, I am blessed beyond measure. And I want pictures to commemorate this time in our lives! I don’t want to forget what this time was like, daughter roaring, son watching her to decide what he wants to do next, me watching it all in awe of my wonderful Savior. Thank You, Lord.
Photo Credit: ErikaMarie Photography